


More Than Anything Else In This World

by dryadgrl13



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Dorian Pavus & Cullen Rutherford Friendship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Just a smidge NSFW, Just a spoonful of angst, Just towards the end, Oneshot, Pregnancy, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:10:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9222563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dryadgrl13/pseuds/dryadgrl13
Summary: Oneshot based off of this OTP Prompt: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/454722893612198276/Cullen's impending fatherhood leads to a moment of doubt (which the Inquisitor is happy to relieve). Warning: hardcore feels ahead.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this oneshot came from this OTP prompt: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/454722893612198276/ This is a Cullen/FemaleTrevelyanInquisitor pairing. Anay Trevelyan is the first Inquisitor I ever beat the game with. She has a special place in my heart. Setting is pre-Trespasser. Also, in case anyone is wondering, it’s pronounced “uh-NIGH,” not “uh-NAY.”
> 
> This oneshot is, in part, a way for me to practice writing all the Cullen feels that will soon be happening in my multi-part, multi-chapter fic “Of Victory Waiting, Yet To Be Claimed.” (You should check it out.) It’s also a gift to those who are reading that fic, patiently waiting for more Cullen/Brianne moments. Sorry it’s taking so long guys. I can’t rush it. They gotta get there on their own. (Like, LITERALLY get to where the other person is before the feelzy-weelzy & NSFW stuff can happen.) 
> 
> Since this is practice, I NEED constructive criticism. Please leave comments. What do you like? What don’t you like? Roast me like a Thanksgiving day turkey. I don’t care. I want to get better at this kind of stuff. I can only do that with your help. Merci.

It had not been a good day for the Commander of the Inquisition, as evidenced by the fact that he was currently stomping up the stone staircase that led to Anay’s bedroom. 

It was well after sundown. The Inquisitor was sure to be asleep, as there were no candles lighting the stairwell or bedchamber. Cullen knew the layout of the room by heart, though. He didn’t trip on a single step, nor bump into any furniture as he made his way over to Anay’s bed, intent on waking her up and speaking with her. The sky was clear, and the starlight streaming in through the full-length windows was strong enough for him to make out her sleeping form in her opulent, Orlesian-style bed. 

He knew she wouldn’t mind being woken up like this. She had been insistent from the start of their friendship that he come to her with his problems. Cullen remembers the first time they lay in bed, staring at the moonlight filtering in through the hole in his ceiling. She had traced her fingers along the scars on his chest and asked him to trust her to help carry his burdens. He had traced his fingers along the length of her spine, breathed in the scent of crystal grace from her hair, and promised that he would. 

Cullen is glad for the darkness of the room. A headache pounds behind his eyes. It winds its way down and around his spine where it meets the base of his skull. It’s from the stress of his job as well as the stress of supervising the healers at today’s debacle of a training drill. His jaw clenches, and he has to take a deep breath in through his nose as the memory of being so close to lyrium floods his senses. He could taste it in the air as the healers downed one potion after another, intent on helping as many of the injured soldiers as possible. Cullen slowly lets out the breath, remembering he needs to write letters of dismissal for the lieutenants that had organized the impromptu drill. Just because these men and women had stood against Corypheus’ forces and lived to tell their tales, didn’t mean they were invincible. They still had the Inquisition’s reputation to uphold. A reputation that could be tarnished by a mock siege drill with a large injury count.

Taking care of his normal duties on top of dealing with his soldiers had taken up all of Cullen’s day. He had promised to lunch with Anay and play a round of chess with Dorian. He hadn’t shown up to either appointment, and his headache had distracted him from sending messengers with apologies. He had half expected Dorian to show up in the middle of the barracks to publicly drag him away, but he hadn’t. They didn’t have many days left before Dorian was planning on heading back to Minrathous. Cullen needed to remember to hunt the man down sometime tomorrow and spend a few hours with him. 

Cullen has been standing at the foot of Anay’s bed, staring at his sleeping lover, wondering what the kindest way of waking her up would be. He’s fairly perturbed that she didn’t wake up on her own when he entered the room. He hadn’t been making any attempt at stealth, and all he can think about now is that anyone could sneak in here and she’d be unawares and defenseless. The months that have passed since the battle with Corypheus have been kind to her, but she’s apparently grown accustomed to leaving her guard down, and he wouldn’t be able to get to her in time if…

Anay shifts in her sleep, starlight dancing across her body as she moves from her back to her side. The blanket slips down her moving figure to drape across her abdomen, highlighting the swell of her stomach. Cullen’s breath is snatched from his chest as he takes in the image of her slightly rounded belly. 

They knew she was pregnant, but she hadn’t looked like it for quite some time now.

Cullen had almost locked it away in his mind, as if it was all a story he’d made up for himself: A life full of friends, with a home, a partner, a family.

He didn’t deserve any of those things. But he had them.

Instead of waking her, or joining her in bed, Cullen moves to settle on the floor even though the kneeling causes his knees to ache. He’s facing Anay’s sleeping form, his head a little lower than her abdomen. He’s able to rest his chin on her bed frame and take in the proof of his impending fatherhood.

He sits in silence for a long time, thoughts crashing around in his head as violent as the waters off the coastline of the Waking Sea. He needs to get some of them out before they do any lasting damage, but he’s now supremely remiss in waking his lover up.

He finds himself settling more comfortably in a sitting position and turning towards his unborn child. “Hello little one,” he whispers, making sure to be as quiet as he can. He waits to see if Anay wakes, but she doesn’t move a muscle. Her soft breathing is the only sound in the peaceful silence of the night.

“I...hope you’re doing alright.” _Maker I sound ridiculous, _he thinks, but continues anyway. “I want you to know that I am...very happy you’re here. Or...well you’re still in there, I suppose. But you’re _here, _with us now. Maker’s breath,” he laughs to himself.____

____“You should also know that this is exactly what it’s going to be like with me. I can’t always say exactly what I mean to. I try, but sometimes...words are difficult for me. Just like now.”_ _ _ _

____Cullen winces as a sharp pain sears holes in his thoughts. He pinches the space in between his eyes at the bridge of his nose and breathes in slowly. “Sorry little one. I’m not at my best right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be at my best again. Your father made some very bad decisions a long time ago, and he’ll be paying for them for the rest of his life.”_ _ _ _

____“You are so lucky to have this woman as your mother.” He fights the urge to trace his fingers along Anay’s abdomen. Instead, he places them on the bed as close to her as he dares. “She is so much stronger than I am, and braver. She saved the world, you know. We’ll tell you all the stories one day. The ones your mother will tell you will sound different than everyone else’s. She is…” Cullen pauses to double check that she’s still sleeping. “Your lady mother is humble. She will highlight everyone else’s deeds and act as though her own were insignificant. The Maker could not have chosen a better leader for the Inquisition’s cause.”_ _ _ _

____“I am worried, little one, that I will disappoint you. That I won’t…” he has to stop and force himself to swallow around the surge of emotion that has clogged his throat. “...I wish I was a better man. I wish I could give you a father to be proud of, not some half-broken, lyrium-addicted, tongue-tied fool.”_ _ _ _

____Anay makes a noise then, a soft sound somewhere between a grunt and huff. Cullen freezes, barely dares to breathe as he waits to see if he’s woken her up with his prattling. She merely shifts a bit in sleep, moving both of her fists underneath her pillow, forcing the blanket to fall completely off of her. Cullen sucks in a harsh breath as he realizes she’s completely bare underneath the bed coverings._ _ _ _

____His blood heats as he wonders if this was all for him. Was she waiting in bed for him, like this? She was surely informed on his whereabouts during the day. Did she realize he would feel rotten, and this was meant to soothe and entice him into leaving his stress behind with the setting of the sun?_ _ _ _

____He wants nothing more than to climb in bed with her and trace her collarbone with his lips, to use teeth and tongue on every inch of her until she’s shaking and flushed and gloriously his._ _ _ _

____But he can’t. Not tonight. Not with his mind still racing with worry and his heart still heavy with regret. He does allow himself to place his fingertips on the swell of her stomach in a feather-light caress._ _ _ _

____“I may not be the man I wish I was, but I will do my best. I will do all that I can. I will do whatever your mother asks of me, and more, if it will get you the life you deserve. I will do all in my power to make sure you’re happy, and healthy, and safe. Life is inconstant, little one, but I will make you a promise now.”_ _ _ _

____“I swear to you that I will always love you. I will love you more than anything else in this world. Well, maybe besides your mother.” Cullen smiles and moves to ghost a kiss over Anay’s belly button. “I promise I will always love the both of you with every breath I take, until the Maker calls me to his side.”_ _ _ _

____He isn’t sure why, but as he drapes the blanket back over his lover’s sleeping form, he begins to hum. It’s a silly, nonsensical, Ferelden nursery rhyme that his mother taught him and his siblings. He’s halfway finished with the tune when he hears Anay make the same noise she had earlier, but this time there’s a hand stopping his as he tucks in the blanket near her chest._ _ _ _

____He looks into the tear-streaked eyes of the love of his life, and he knows he’s been had. He has a second to hope he hasn’t made too much of an ass of himself before she’s sitting up and pulling him down into bed with her, armor and all._ _ _ _

____“Love, let me at least…”_ _ _ _

____“Shut up you infuriating man,” she orders, pulling the blanket over both of them and curling up against his side. He holds back a laugh and tucks her chin underneath his own with one of his hands._ _ _ _

____“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he explains a few minutes later, tracing a tear as it curves its way down her cheekbone._ _ _ _

____“I know. But you did. How could you even think those things? How dare you! Cullen…” She leans back so she can look him in the eye. “Cullen, look at me.”_ _ _ _

____He makes sure to be looking directly at her, and his heart breaks a little more at the sorrow he’s made her feel._ _ _ _

____“I’m sorry, love.”_ _ _ _

“No more apologizing! Cullen, you will be the best father this baby could ever hope to have. You are the best man I know. The. Best. That’s including my brothers and Dorian, mind you,” she teases, pulling a reluctant smile from him. “So you know that I mean it when I say it. I love you. Our child will love you. Put everything else out of your mind. I never want to hear you speaking ill of yourself again, _especially _in front of our baby. Promise me."__

______“Alright. I promise. And I’ll...try to put it out of mind. Now, may I please remove my boots, at least?”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Anay grabs her pillow and proceeds to hit Cullen with it several times. Laughing, she gives him permission to disrobe, on the condition that he will come right back to bed. Cullen slips out from underneath the blanket and hurries to take his armor off, anxious to fall asleep with his family in his arms._ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
